So much has gone on here, both externally and internally. In the past months we’ve been evicted (though got the apartment back), and had our lights cut off (obviously they’re on now). Both of these things could have been avoided if we had just, if I had just budgeted correctly and paid what needed to be paid. Lots of things prevented me from doing that, most of it past trauma related. I think its been worked through. Seems like something got triggered off when Adam left here, some thingy that triggered Inside Charlie with a particular memory and since both Charlie’s were used to create me, after they just couldnt’ deal with sleeping with the father and dealing with his ever increasing sadisticness, it affected me too. So for about two years now we’ve been under this thing-I keep saying ‘thing’ because I refuse to say "program". That just can’t be what it was. So anyway we’ve been under this thing, with no one the wiser. Especially Susan and me. So we were dealing with external crisis after external crisis, and internal things that kept popping up, not as a distraction I think because these were things that over time sort of make since and led up to the big abreaction of last week. I just hate things being on their own timetable. It’s annoying not knowing what’s going on within your own fucking mind and just "being along for the ride".

Anyway, so when the lights got turned off we had a panic attack at the welfare center where I was applying for a one shot deal to pay for the freaking lights. So, this was on a Friday, and they said that they didn’t think they could get the check cut before Tuesday, which just sent this whole system into full on panic mode, because their was no way we were going to be without lights that long! Lots of security guards (mostly male, of course, of course) escorted us out, and god I just couldn’t hold it together any longer and we fell, fainted I guess. Lost consciousness at least. By the time we came to, all hell was breaking lose inside. This big thing happend and whatever barriers in the past that kept people inside away from other’s and from the front, some for very, very good reasons. So even though its great that people who’ve wanted to be at the front finally can and not be knocked back without warning, I don’t think it necessarily a good thing because just because they want to be at the front doesn’t really mean that they should be at the front. I guess if I try and think of this from a positive perspective I could say that since these blocks have been removed it will be easier for them to access therapy and therefore be able to work on their trauma’s and issues. So, yeah that’s good.

Which is exactly what happened with Inside Charlie and Jessie, the "little" me. It’s complicated. But basically she believes that her dad, our dad, loved her, and that she liked it. The only thing Jessie has ever done is call out for her dad when she’s out. She refuses to engage with Susan, except to say that she won’t "do anything with her", which only just skeeves in me out in the worst way. And Inside Charlie, well I guess that’s been the best(Best being the only fucking word I can think of but it sure hasn’t felt like the best), because she has finally been able to tell the story she’s been under for god, what two years plus now? It was all jumbled and didnt’ make since and I wasn’t allowed access to the memory or the event at all, but man did it haunt me in dreams. And all the while I’m completely acting out what she’s been living and breathing. Last Thursday in T, when IC-can’t keep fucking typing Inside Charlie Inside Charlie-was in the middle of her second abreaction of the event, I was thrown in the middle and I felt EVERYTHING she felt and knew, just knew, that it happend to me too and then all these memories and feelings came flooding back, and then Jessie got all triggered out and had to defend her precious "dad" and tell her side of things. Which to me, I mean, I know she has to tell herself that in order to deal with what happened, but its a bunch of bull. That man was evil. He fucking took advantage of the fact that our mom would have us pick up the money he wuld give her for support (not court appointed, they just sort of worked something out) and would have Charlie, IC, and me do horrible, nasty, ugh…can’t go into it again, just bad things for the money. Making us feel dirty. And we couldn’t refuse to ask for the money because it was always when we had absolutely nothing, like even she hated to go to him for money and waited until the last possible minute to do anything about it. And we would be hungry and not have eaten anything but fucking salt or peanut butter and celery and so yeah, we had to do what we had to do so we could eat. And so now we, I get triggered all to hell when we’re broke, and since most of us are related in some trauma way, in a chain sort of, we should map that out.., anyway, it trickles down to the whole system soon enough we’re all fucked.

Hopefully now we’re going to be ok. Paid the rent finally, for honestly the first time in about two years. Felt surprisingly good. But on the evil flip side to that is we’re paying things we haven’t pain in while and so we’re going to be broke and possibly triggered off again by being broke, especially me because I just CANNOT STAND BEING BROKE AND NOT HAVING ANY MONEY. I know a lot of it has to do with what happened and its going to take a while to put the emotions of what I feel in the past, if I can ever do that. I don’t want to give up being a fronter. I’ve fucked it up over the years, yeah, but we all decided a while ago that no one person is responsible for everything. Sometimes people inside may feel powerless to stop something, but that’s just because most of the time we don’t know the WHY. It’s the WHY that’s so important to us.

I don’t know how we’re going to get through this month. It’s February so its a short month at least, but god we’re going to be absolutely positvely broke by Monday and god oh god they’re are so many things I can’t even afford to get, basic fucking things. Like soap. Showering every other day I guess to conserve. And stuff to clean the house. Don’t even have the money to go the fucking .99 cent store and this house has 5 animals in it and its a STUDIO!!! I don’t, can’t, won’t think about it.

The only bright shining beacon of light in all of this is today we finally went to that interview with the temp agency and got in! So now we’re just waiting to get our first assignment. Which means I HAVE to do laundry now! shit. And we have only one pair of professional shoes, and since we’ve lost so much weight over the last 7 months, mostly due to stress I’m sure, the Width in our shoe size is going down and those shoes don’t fit any more and its hard ot walk and grip down in the fucking rain and snow, but whatever. In a way I feel this is my punishment for fucking up for the past two years. Susan says this is not a punishment, because what happened was psychologically outside of my control and I was jsut sort of a passenger on a rollercoaster ride, but I still feel like I’m being punished. I guess there are som feeling from our childhood I’m never going to leave behind.

How do you live with that? Ignoring 80% of what you feel because you suspect it comes from a place of trauma and not of truth? How does a person live like that?